Authentically Raw: Illumination thru Love

Forever is such a short time when matters of the heart collide.
My friends deserve the best & sometimes people are not currently capable of reaching for the stars.

Found something written while in the depths of addiction.
Oh how the tears flow. Everytime I think I've come to terms with everything another layer of the onion is exposed and the depth of pain is raw - struggle to forgive myself. Especially reading of how aware of the damage to my relationships & not having the ability to stop. grateful for the amount of chances we've been given.

Was woken up this morning
The voice, a woman
"Are you there?"
Wait? What? Am I where?
Jump out of bed,
Open the door to find silence
The clock, tick-tocking
My mind shaken.
Heart racing
Finally I breath.
Apologize to my animals,
Poor mammals,
Nearly left in shambles
Slow the mind, become aware of every ripple - each word put upon the page reverberates to the universe.
Maybe, if I rap it
It'll sound quite fantastic.
The expansion will become a mansion to share with my family. From mom, dad to grandson.

Be the Light, the Beacon for another! together we will Light the way

Its been a while since I've posted. There have been lots of awakenings - some repeated due to being forgetful. One foot on either side of the fence - the grass is greenest where you water it - its about balance. Its about self awareness. Determine the coarse of action & make it beautiful. Consciousness is new to me - I feel like I've been running on auto pilot & now im at a stand still - every choice since slowing down has lead me backwards - they lead to more wisdom. Date myself - what do I like ? I dont even know anymore, I lost myself. I must create myself into what my mind believes i can be. Please, take care of yourselves

Much has happened in the time between now and my last post.
Things that can destroy you or, make you stronger. My spirit has chosen both ways over the last few months. I’ve felt hopeless, I’ve felt sorrow and I’ve seen another glimpse of what magic is capable of providing.
Confusion can be a blessing - or a curse.
Life can be confusion.
Pain can heal and ignorance can destroy.

Safety is paramount.
If one doesn’t feel safe, or provide safety - you can loose so much in terms of yourself.

Knowledge truly is power - the ability to learn, however, is dependant on development.
Some have been taught the skills, while others struggle to understand what skills even are.

What knowledge does one absorb? There is so much and so little time. The sad part is one can’t focus and absorb it all - unless you’re a super hero - I am not.

My attention is spread so widely, but only a thin layer of said subject becomes absorbed. Then people think you aren’t sincere because of the lack of depth.

Depth has never been in my vocabulary- the only depth I’ve known has been crawling up from the deep, dark hole known in my mind.

Currently standing at the top of the ladder - peering around - trying to make that first step back to solid ground. A core strength of self knowledge I had lost when I fell down the deep, dark hole as a teenager.

I have been locked in my own mental prison for as long as I can remember.
Reaching the surface of heaven , of true warmth, of the light is the most scary thing in the world. I am afraid of the light, ive been in the dark for so long. So so many self defeating thoughts have been banished one by one, allowing me to reach this plateau of light. I just need to take the first step out of this deep,dark mental hole. The first step into hope. First step into the rest of my life. Healthy and happy.

Seems i may float at the surface a while.

I feel so broken. There are always so many decisions to make, and i seem to start off ok then loose myself qyite quickly and end up by myself . it feels safer.
So broken like hitting a brick wall i've been given this new information about myself and feel left to pick up the pieces alone. Like everyone elses life moves along and i'm still stuck in the 90ies. I finally try to reach out and not one person responds, or if they do it's half assed - i guess you get what you give. Or give what you get i heard recently.

I haven't been giving much, lots of taking Lots of selfishness in my life. I am struggling with embarrassment of my flaws. I feel exposed and raw and lonely. Hard to be on the same level as anyone these days. I am so mad with myself. But i know i'll get in the same thinking pattern and do it again - i feel like theres no relief and no where to run. I'm being faced with my worst aspects and there are so many i am struggling to keep going. I know what i want, i just cant seem to forgive myself in order to achieve my goals.
I lack passion for life. Never had it. Want it. Hope to achieve it -- but it is definately hard to be compassionate with oneself watching sh*tty choice after sh*tty choice -stupid ADD distractioned so easily. So much anger running through me right now. Like i just want to rage but i know i t wont help. I wish i was excited about being alive.

Heavy is the heart of those whose crown is forever crooked - forever trying to straighten it _ today I feel tired of being who I am _ the most simple things are mountains to climb & it's embarrassing. The brain is truly a magical place _ a very lonely place when realizing how crooked your crown really is & how near impossible it is to straighten it & keep it straight . Lonely is my life lesson _ must learn to love my flaws _ even if that's all have. Self compassion is difficult when there's so many things you saw differently things people wouldn't even fathom a part of their day to day, the nightmare in my head_ disassociation sneaks up and I hurt those who've given me friendship and patience like I've never known . I don't mean to, it's my old coping mechanism, please understand. It's not you, it's always been me SA. I just want it to be OK to be who i am.. and what I could be if only I could stop isolating. My body reacts before my mind has a chance to catch up. I just want to be able to get along with my peers ... that's all I've ever wanted _ unless I wear my trauma on my sleeve no one understands why I think and act like I have or do ... heck, I'm just figuring it out myself & I had no idea. And likely wouldn't still without love. Wish I could turn back time and be involved in life instead of a judgmental bystander too scared to participate because I was trapped in my head. Forever bent, not broken.

And p**f - just like that - brought back to earth. Heaven gained another angel today.
The hallways of our mind will trap us in an endless pity party until the reality of situation addiction reminds us of the gravity of loss . Many, many tears will be shed for the most recent soul taken way, way too soon.
RIP Friend.

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Here's Raw for ya - Anger is not an emotion it is the manifestation of sadness - sadness is caused when one feels betrayed, alone, hurt, pained, confused, abandoned - all relative experiences and all come down to the persons perspective.
I rage. I outright scream and yell like a two year old throwing a tantrum. I am left by myself when this happens - this only adds to my perceived abandonment.
I know i am responsible to heal myself - however, sometimes i am resentful and full of hate being the one (seemingly) trucking through it alone - i'feel cornered. i feel there is no escape from the dark corners of my mind and i am scared I'm scared of what i am going to find. I am scared i will push everyone away and truly be alone. I am scared i already have. The emotions are so strong - for having never truly felt nor dealt with them prior to this last year or so. I hurt. my heart aches for the pain that i was given and now for the pain i am /have caused. I want to tear the skin from my body and numb the ache in my soul and i can't. I have exhausted all my avenues for relief. Burnt many bridges - even one or two today.
Everything is manifesting so quickly and i can't catch my breath. So many responsibilities piled up to be dealt with - so many more piling up behind those.

I feel like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

For the Rage to stop, the pain must be felt & for the pain to be felt the rage must present itself. Sorry, not sorry, but i apologize.

Authentically raw, authentically me, in this moment.