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If I die tomorrow
Please believe I was happy
As much as I had problems as big as hills
Tears everyday enough to fill an ocean
Heartbreak and pain
I was happy
For shortwhiles, for hours.
I was happy.

I loved each and everyone of you
With my whole heart
From those who tore me apart to those who held me together
From those that disappointed me to those that kept me sane.
You all meant the world to me
My heart was that of the Lord
My body that of a mother with kids of kids
My soul that of a sinless priest.

I endured pain in my lifetime but I'm happy now.
I'm in a better place
I will be watching looking down at all of you do great things
Things that I couldn't do.
You are doing great , even without me by your side
Enjoy your lives
Dance at my funeral
Remember all the words I sprayed across the streets,the Hope I inflicted in all of you
Remember the positive I preached
Remember me smiling in blue clothes holding my favorite drink
Holding it up to all your future accomplishments.

Try breathing in (breath)
Come on head high enough to push the tears back in
You'll start smelling burnt toast if you don't slow your heart rate.
Come in you are a black woman
Don't panick, breath
That's it in out, in out
Remember mom said
"Depress the dishes" it helps.

I remember shadows
My head is tilted to the wall,
A shadow on top of a shadow.
A larger shadow moving, still on top
Pain strikes below my abdomen
I feel less human
Less child yet less woman.
Empty, stricken, scared.

I remember my uncle
Cousin, brother, father,the stranger
The betrayal I never seem to understand
Or get over
I hear that it's my fault
The women, my mother, the public
It's ringing in my ears
Slow my heart, I can hear it ringing to my subconscious.
I can't leave.

Love is messy and horrible and selfish and bold
"I didn't mean to hurt you"
But you did. That's the thing
One lie turned into two, which turned into three
You became the tree
That branches deception,hurt , brokenness

I may not have bruises on my face
My body,
But I have scars that run down deep in my soul,
scars you drew with your words
In the woods of my subconscious
Lays pain only I can understand
Instead of keeping promises you turned treacherous
Immaculate in the eyes of Society
But burried me in dust and mud
I sought solace in writing
With my pink ink suppressing my dark thoughts
And black diary engraved with my thoughts.

I lay in rose scented water
With pebbles soft Like the touch of a lover
I fell into remeberance
Warm water enough to heat my cold demeanor.
I fell into acceptance
I backflipped and landed on depression
Hurting my anxiety and bruises appeared on my soul.
I lost consciousness
Became amnesiac.

A

Healing

Let me explain healing to you
It's like remembering constantly things you'd rather forget
Crying over someone you don't care about but care about
Forgetting today and having thousands images bombard your brain tomorrow
Happy yesterday, crying today

It's a rollercoaster of emotions
That didn't get the memo of "time heals"
It's like the more you forget, the more remembering hurts
The pain still the same as the first day
It's trying to get over something or someone you can't forget

So much for everything will be okay
Remember when you said that to Kay
Or Melissa or lerato, names of those that didn't stay
It's like I'm in a locked cage, with walls that I built up
And above a thousand voices triggering memories, nightmares , inevitable truths, pasts

A past I'd rather it stayed there
Healing is like reading pages in reversal
It's never a one way road,it's always turns leading back to the starting point
It always hurts the same no matter the time frame
It's like a cut that gets infected over and over again despite medications
It's like drugs, I'm addicted to giving up because it never gives in
Never backing down, doesn't even put up a fight

Healing is not bring able to leave bed
Writing su***de or death note
It's fantasising of a rope around your neck
The sweet ecstacy of gravity fighting with strength and breath and... Life
It's cuts to my arm
It's growth

Healing is like learning to walk again
Falling but getting right back up
Only to fall again and get right up
All in that order, never changing but growing
Having more strength to deal with the next downfall, heartbreak, hurt
It's learning to live with a pain you can't avoid or get rid of
It's growing to accept the situation and bring joyful , happy, contained.
It's constantly filling a void that's doesn't close but gets smaller.

Healing is never being healed
It's being saved.

I cry to all men
Pleading for you to forgive us
For being too independent
Too beautiful, too smooth, too women
Forgive us for existing
Because at every corner we come across
We are r***d, beaten, killed
Our existence like a fire burning your body so bad you drown yourself in water
We being the bubbles that come and dissapear

What are you doing
Why do you choose to destroy someone made from your ribs
Why do you decide to banish us into horror and suffering
I'm tired of fighting you
I'm tired of crying for myself, for my fellow women and the next generation
I'm tired of living in fear
Looking behind my shoulder everyone I feel a males presence
Heart racing when I breath the same air as a men
Ke lapile
Ke kgathetse
I'm tired

I cry to all men
With chests as high as the kingdom
And arms as bulgy as the clouds
Skin as soft as a baby's touch
To portray what your body invisions
Angel, loving, protective
We can't keep running from our partners
I cry to you.

I will love you
With bolder flaws and thinner chances
I will make your beauty yours
I will love you

I will show you love
That you won't find across the seas
In the highest mountains and beyond the skies
Like an atomic boom , I will make you erupt with screams of Bliss
You will long for me even admist your presence
I will love you so much , that your lips forget the names of your past 'lovers'
That your body dances to the tune of my voice
Your mind erupts to my words
And all you see will be me.

I want to grind your skeletons
And get high off your deepest secrets
"Hi, my name is Sammie and I love you"
With every exhale and inhale
With every muscle you struck
Like rivers my bloods ever flows , pumping my heart, making it beat faster
And faster in your presence
I promise to make you forget

Forget every slap he's struck
Every hate he spewed into your mind
Every ignorance, ever lie,deciet
I'll make you believe in love again
Not with empty promises ,but with everyday actions
I'll align your subconscious to positivity
My heart yours forever
I will love you

Within the secrement of your vineyard
Within sweetest grapes ,upon your stature
Within oozing nectar , my heart flatters
Within rain, blooming is our love
Within sunshine, your existence in my life

I love you
Eyes as brown as your favourite drink
Heart as red as the curtains of the room we first made love in
Hopes as high as the sounds you made
Faith as strong as the bond we created.
I love you

Do you feel it
The summer breeze, grains between your toes
The ocean waters singing to our passion
The fish and trees our witnesses
As we make the beach our home
Sounds of nature making love to peace
Every piece of the moment making sense
I will love you.