Beauty by Navee

I used to pray everyday to god to move the days very fast to 2028. So that he will announced as cancer free, there will be no more hospital visits, but now i just wish the days to move slower inch by inch, second by second, i just want more time with him. His hands holding mine while he sleeps he does that when he is in fear or pain, every night after the surgery he sleeps holding my hand, asking more questions about the unknown monster inside him.

When he shooted this Question “How many years or months or days i have ?” My mom heart knows how weighted that question is especially from my loving 11 yr old, im thinking about his mental health, what is his tiny brain thinks about this disease and process and everything, what he is going through deep inside in his mind, what all the fears he have, what his heart wants me to do,

I am not asking God to make the disease vanish in one day, i just ask this universe atleast to be easy on him here after, he already had enough, he fought more, he is a happy child, obeying, respecting, loving unconditionally, he never bothered anyone for anything, i dont want to see him suffer anymore, i dont want him to be in pain, just give him easy life whatever is left. Just be easy on him.
Standing before him as a helpless mother makes me hate myself more, just wishing No MOTHER Should stand here like me choosing between life and death for her loving little one.

Always remembering his exciting face when he see me from the 7months baby till now. Lithin always see me as a Hero, he says my amma knows everything. Yes knowing everything and standing silently with tied hands is so cruel now.

I couldn type more, i just want him to stay ok, do whatever he likes and live painfree. Amma loves you ladooo, sorry for everything. I dont know whats coming tomorrow, but i promise, amma will always be there for you, and fight for all that you need. Just be ok. 🐥❤️‍🩹

The worst thing a mother can do is revealing to her 11 yr old that his fight for the last 6yrs is for nothing…

I told Lithin about his cancer Relapse, i still remember his face asking me “marubadiyumaa amma” with tearful eyes, “epadii maa naa olungathana irunthen” yen maa why did god make me suffer all the time ? Was his biggest question ever.

I told him he need chemotherapy again, we can try 2 cycles and if you couldn’t tolerate amma will ask the doctors stop this plan. He said I dont want Chemo amma, me and my sister spoke to him, literally tried to convince him by asking in different views, he said what ever life is left i will live that, i dont want to suffer again, lose my abilities, stay in bed, ask for help all the time, i dont want to die like that.

The word “death” from a 11yr old kid sounded like a curse for me, he didnt start to live life yet, all he had seen in pain, death face to face, sufferings, mental traumas, i dont think anyother kid can be this matured in his age. He is sure in what he wants, he is scared, he wants to live long like anyother kid. But as a mom i dont have anything left in my hands, i stand as a toy dancing towards the tune given by the doctors, who knows what is coming next.

The last picture he drew and said “If u want me to go into chemo and have life after, better you kill me now by your hands, i dont want that life”. I cannot suffer more”
Those exact words just shooked me, got my anxiety attack, fast breathing, asked help from my sister to take care of him for 10mins and i ran out of the house just to cry louder.

His emotions His choice of words, the carefulness before he throw words at me, i understood everything. He asked whether i want to see him suffer again. I told him, amma doesn have any other option to give you life, he said I dont want a life which gives me more pain and make me like a mouthless sheep, where the sheep kept inside a fence all the doctors come and prick it everytime, give more medicine, where the sheep lose all his hair, teeth, and abilities to stand even, please dont allow this sheep inside the fence this time he said saying, that mouthless sheep is none other than me “Lithin”.