healthcoachzia

Time: Friend or Foe?

This article is framed as a set of questions to get you thinking about your relationship with time. You can be sure that I arrived at these questions through my own quest to understand and heal this important relationship. And that I continue to play with these questions as part of my ongoing conversation and relationship with time.

You may have heard it said that it takes time to heal. It is also true that many of us, born into this capitalist and achievement-obsessed culture, have foundational healing to do in our relationship to time itself. We could have all the time in the world, but if we have a trauma-based relationship with time, we may not know how to use that time to serve our deepest or our daily needs. On the other hand, we may find ourselves so busy doing the actual work of survival that we have impossible choices to make when it comes to the small amount of unscheduled or un-busy time we can find. We may feel helpless at the hands of time, when really we have lost our authority over our own time because of life circumstances.

How do you know if you have a trauma-based relationship with time? By trauma-based, I mean a relationship in which you feel helpless, out of control, and frequently triggered to automatic reactions that perpetuate the sense of powerless and don’t add to a sense of ease in your life. Past experiences, whether early in life or in different systems, can set up a habitual nervous system pattern of fight or flight in response to timelines, deadlines, and producing “deliverables”. A fight response might look like pressured over-productivity and an intense feeling of stress or inability to relax until things get done. A flight response might look like shutting down, avoidance, and procrastination. (Procrastination can actually be part of a bigger pattern of initial flight leading to the eventual fight response, when we are only able to rouse ourselves to productivity once we feel the stress chemicals triggered by the looming deadline.)

Do you feel like there is never enough time? What might that mean about how you fill your days? What might that mean about how you react to each "given” moment. Think for a moment about the word “given”—each moment we experience is simply given to us. It is a gift, we don’t have to earn it. What do we do with it? Do we hold onto it greedily, feeling there will never be enough, attempting to hoard it? Or do we try to maximize each moment, with tasks or fun, out of the same scarcity mentality? Do we experience the ticking clock in our minds as a relentless task master, or even a drill sergeant? “Keep running, soldier, keep moving! You’re behind and you’ll never catch up!” But you keep trying anyways. Do we feel resentful when people or responsibilities “take up” our time?

Do you have “too much time” on your hands? Do your moments of time stretch out before you, seeming empty of meaning or pleasure? Has time begun to mock you with its abundance and seemingly never-ending gifts of boredom or loneliness? Has this soured your relationship with time?

Whatever your current experiences of time (and if may feel different on different days) I invite you to consider your relationship or stance towards time, and whether your experience of the time you have is a function of that stance. Meaning whatever it is, it is not an inevitable sensation, but one that you are creating. Meaning, you can change your experience of moments of time, if you start to heal your relationship with the idea of time itself. What it is. What it offers you. How you engage with it.

Try considering, right now, how it might feel to simply accept time as a gift. To be given time is to be given life, in this moment.

If it feels like we aren’t living, maybe we aren’t engaging usefully, or meaningfully, enough with life in a way that honors what we have to offer. (This is not the same as being “productive”, necessarily.) Changing that likely means finding and addressing barriers to more full and life-affirming engagement with time. Barriers might be emotional or related to our view of ourselves. Do I feel not worthy, not good enough, not loved by others? Do I feel confused about my purpose? These questions often hold the answers we need to shift our stance towards time (life), but we have to turn and face the questions with curiosity and courage. (This is where support can be very useful.)

If it feels like our time is squeezed and there are not enough moments in the day (or week, month, year, or life) to “accomplish” all the tasks, take care of our people and things, then we might ask ourselves the question, “What are the beliefs or barriers that hold me in this pattern with time?” Identify the actual current constraints on your time and AND get really direct with yourself about choices you make with your time. Including whether they are driven by beliefs about having to prove yourself or be there for others in a certain way in order to validate your worth, or your acceptance, or even your right to exist. Are there places you have convinced yourself that you don’t have choice? What would you actually do if you somehow suddenly had more time or flexibility in your schedule? Does that idea excite and/or scare you? Validate the realities of current time constraints, and also allow yourself to imagine your ideal schedule, your ideal day, your ideal life. See if this helps you identify your goals OR whether it highlights emotional barriers such as fear (e.g., “that’s not possible”) or a sense of unworthiness (e.g., “I’d probably waste the time”). Once again, these automatic thoughts and core beliefs typically indicate emotional responses below the surface that need attention if you are to move towards your more fulfilled and aligned life. Once again, having support can be a game-changer in exploring and moving through these underlying barriers.

Below are some open-ended questions to deepen your exploration of this important relationship with time. They make great journal prompts:

*What was your relationship with time when you were a child, before you had so many responsibilities?

*What boundaries would be needed to create more ease in your relationship with time? What are the barriers to setting those boundaries?

*What are things that stop time for you?

Some things that stop time for me are music, silent or sound meditations, sitting still in the woods or at the beach, or belly laughing with my kids. I would love to hear what stops time for you. I would also love to hear from you if any of these questions have brought up thoughts or feelings you would like to explore in the supportive, safe space of coaching.

What the heck is coaching, anyways??

You may be wondering, what is life coaching? And how is it different than other types of support like therapy, or talking to a trusted person in your life? Coaching is a creative and collaborative process ultimately designed to meet your unique needs. I bring in many tools and approaches that support your goals, including deeper processing of emotional barriers that may be keeping your from your goals. Goals can be concrete objectives, such as making more time for self-care and your passions, getting more organized in some area of your life, planning for life changes in career or relationships, or more subtle focuses like setting healthy boundaries with work life or in relationships. It is typically both, and I have seen that the subtle, more internal work really supports the external change. The internal process work tends to be the place where we have gotten stuck in the past, or developed a story about our inability to stick to to the changes we want in our life. Coaching can help you get unstuck.

The coaching structure is also a powerful container for your change process. I use the word container, because there are a set number of sessions, which helps with maintaining motivation and focus.

In the words of Kathy, a previous client,

“coaching is…like having a fitness trainer. It is focused on building capacity and skills, guided by the goals you set for yourself. In addition to the advice, tools, and insights that Zia provided, I found the sessions useful for providing outer accountability…“

The coaching relationship also creates a supportive, validating container for all aspects of real change, both the difficult and the beautifully transformative.

My coaching calendar is currently full, but it’s never too early to plan ahead. I’m now taking reservations for my July openings. If you are seeking support for your goals of change and transformation, use the link below to schedule a free hour with me to discuss those. It is an hour you can gift yourself, no strings attached.

https://calendly.com/healthcoachzia/breakthrough-session?month=2022-05

What if sleep were your lover?

What does a day look like? Much depends on how it starts, which in turn depends on how I slept the night before. Sleep is foundational to so many aspects of life and health, but instead of preaching what we all “know” about the benefits of sleep and the problems that a lack of consistent quality sleep can cause, I would rather focus on the relationship to sleep. Personally, I neglected or abused that relationship for many years. I used to think that was justified for my purpose of the moment, whether it was going out, studying, working, raising kids, having “me-time” with Netflix in the evening because my days were (are!) so full of doing things for others. But when my primary purpose became to heal my body and spirit by living the values I recommend to others, it required me to prioritize myself, which had to include prioritizing my sleep on a regular basis.

And thankfully, like a constant lover, sleep had not abandoned me over the years during which I took it for granted. Sleep was waiting patiently for me to return. My body had been trying to grab what it could at different times in my life, looking like the hypersomnia of depression, or daytime exhaustion. Rather than inconvenient symptoms, these were more like efforts to bring me back to the magical place of sleep, where my system and my soul could find rest and restoration.

Now, I want to treat sleep like a lover whom I can’t wait to see each night. Whom I can’t wait to make time for, to create a beautiful space to sink into and see what adventures arise in the dream space we create together. So when I make my bed each morning, de-clutter and organize my room, and use essential oils to freshen and beautify the air and bedding, these tasks feel more like loving actions I’m taking for myself and my relationship with sleep, rather than grudgingly done chores. And when I notice getting sleepy in the evening, this feels like a juicy invitation to sip some calming tea and get ready for something special, rather than a rigid “bedtime” that my inner adolescent would be more than happy to rebel at.

So I invite you to consider—how might your relationship with sleep change if you treated sleep like your lover whom you couldn’t wait to meet each night? I mean, who wouldn’t drop everything to spend quality time with their beloved? Would it make it more likely that you would start your bedtime routine a little earlier, or create a bedtime ritual? Would it inspire you to clear out the clutter from your room to make it more inviting? Would it help you set and keep your boundaries with evening TV or snacks that you suspect disrupt your sleep? These have been my experiences. What do you imagine would change for you?

**IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT SLEEP DIFFICULTIES**

Sleep is indeed a mysterious and magical place, where our body and psyche get cleaned up at the cellular level, as the contents of the day are consolidated or released. Under ideal conditions, we only have to show up, nurture the relationship with sleep (which naturally means improving sleep hygiene, just like a good relationship with another human requires attention and maintenance), get our ego minds out of the way, and allow it to happen. This is of course easier said then done, at times, and more difficult if you have long-term sleep difficulties such as sleep apnea or chronic pain. Also, high levels of daytime anxiety or unprocessed past experiences, including trauma, can mean for some that sleep does not feel relaxing or even safe.

At the same time, sleep is the ultimate medicine for body and mind, not the enemy. Dreams, including nightmares, are our brilliant system’s way of trying to help us resolve what is unresolved, and put the past in the past, so that each day can in fact be a new day. If you find it difficult to relax into a sleep-inducing state, I encourage you to get professional support to address the underlying causes of the sleep difficulties, whether they are physical or emotional, or both.

Learning How to Live
(and love the journey)

What does it mean to live? What does it mean to heal? For me, allowing my body, mind and spirit to heal has meant re-learning how to live. Not past tense, but an ongoing re-learning as I go.

I believe that wholeness and perfection are our natural states. Our unique manifestation of wholeness and perfection may look different than anyone else’s, and it may come with physical, mental, or emotional challenges and lessons, especially when we encounter the world. And still I believe each of us is born perfect. If you doubt this, look into the eyes of a baby. Any baby. Any belief in something other than our own wholeness is a lie, and, if lived too long, that lie will become a wound that wants healing.

Some early manifestations of my wounds that would eventually need healing were depression that was full-blown by middle school, a sense of self-worth no higher than the floor, and a constant but unspoken feeling of being less important than others. I developed these beliefs (i.e., internalized these lies) as I tried to make sense of the conditions I experienced within my family and larger institutions including church and school. Later manifestations of the need for healing went physical, including gut issues and skin rashes. By the time I hit 40, and after a decade at a desk job that required me to bend both body and spirit in unhealthy ways, I experienced the chronic muscle tension associated with holding together and holding upright a struggling body that was crying out for attention and not getting it.

To me, healing has come to mean creating conditions that support body, mind, and spirit to naturally find the most comfortable and ideal state that is available me, given my past experiences and current situations. Healing does not mean trying to fix my body as if it were a damaged machine. Healing does not mean working from the assumption that there is something inherently wrong with my mind or emotions. Healing does not mean choking or denying my spirit in favor of someone or something else’s ideas of whom I should be in this life.

I continue to work on my healing. Now, I just call it living. In the same way that the “work” of a relationship is the relationship itself, I think of my awareness and ongoing adjustments to daily practices in foundational areas such as sleeping, breathing, eating, moving my body and relating to others as the actual work of living, not something “extra” that I do for a limited period of time. Our bodies (and our relationships) are not machines, like cars, that can be expected to just run fine until something goes wrong. We are constantly creating, supporting, adjusting, neglecting (or cursing) them, whether we realize it or not. Even cars benefit from regular attention and maintenance. And we are infinitely more deep and complex than cars!

For me, healing conditions include diet changes that support my unique individual biochemical needs, supporting my whole system with high quality supplements and other treatments (as indicated by hereditary and environmental markers of vulnerability), working with a great therapist, doing yoga, getting regular bodywork and massage, learning to slow down and fully breathe, remembering to create and nurture connection with others, and, maybe most important of all for me—learning to be mindful of everything I knowingly allow to enter my system. “Everything” includes food, media, environmental toxins and irritants, noise pollution, visual stimulation, and energies and thoughts (my own included). Being mindful means being aware of what I’m taking in, how I hold it, and how I release it. This can apply to anything from food to emotional reactions.

I have also learned to shed the Western mindset that tends to assume any given problem has a single solution, or even a single root cause, necessarily. Wounds become systemic over time, and healing must be as well. Yes, a specific treatment might make a big difference. Yes, learning to go to bed on time has helped me immensely. But what I do when I’m awake is related, and just as important for my healing. One supports the other. Over time, a spiral towards health emerges from the different areas, just as a spiral towards sickness can overtake one system after another. Our spirit, our intention, and our commitment to daily practices is the unifying place—the place where we have choice to pick up the work every day, or to pick it back up after a period of overwhelm or shut down. We always have the choice to move towards healing and health, even if it looks like baby steps in the moment.

So I am learning how to live, and if you are called in this direction, I invite you to join me on this journey. We’ll be looking at the foundations of living one at a time. Sleep. Breath. Food and eating. Movement. Direct body care. Direct mind care. Relating. Boundaries. Community. And we’ll be curious about spirit—the intangible awareness and unifying purpose that holds all of these areas together and allows us to reflect on ourselves, as you are doing right now! We’ll be exploring not with prescriptives (other than a few biological basics) but with curiosity, ideas, and possibly some new ways of thinking about what it means to Reclaim Yourself.

And as always, if you are seeking individual support, you can book a free session with me at https://calendly.com/healthcoachzia/breakthrough-session?month=2022-04

Coming Home to Myself: A Reflection on Self-Love

I believe that my relationship with myself is the most foundational relationship I will ever experience, and certainly the one I have the most agency within. I cannot control how others view or treat me, but I can always decide how to view and treat myself. Creating a nurturing, loving relationship with myself sets the tone for all other relationships in my life, whether with significant others, close friends, children and other household dwellers (whether fur, feathered, scaly, or even insect ones), coworkers, the driver in the car next to me, the checkout person at the grocery store, that person in the comments section who really gets under my skin…you get the idea.

But before I get to those other relationships, I want to be clear that I believe the work of self-love is an end unto itself. Sounds selfish? Not if you believe, or at least can imagine, that you, as a human being, are deeply connected to all other human beings, and are an integral part of the universe you find yourself in, including all other life forms and those things we are in the habit of considering “inanimate”, like the elements. As a child playing the game 20 questions with my family, we identified categories of animal, vegetable, and mineral. This was helpful to narrow things down for the guessing game, but truly we are all made of star-stuff. How I treat myself is how I treat the universe, because I am part of it.

That said, it does seem to be the general human experience that each of us inhabits a single body-mind. I say “general human experience”, because I don’t know what is actually happening, others may have different experiences, and there are many spiritual traditions that have interesting and helpful theories about this human experience. I encourage you to think about your relationship with yourself in the context of your own inner experience and any spiritual understandings you have or are seeking.

What I take from my experience of myself, is that while I know I am connected to everything and everyone around me, it appears that my primary responsibility is to this particular body-mind that I find myself in everyday when I wake up. I believe it is my duty to take very good care of myself, body, mind and spirit. Even and especially when life seems to be pulling me away from this responsibility. It’s like I’m both the gardener and the garden. Each nourishing and sustaining the other. Self-love in action is tending to your garden daily with the basics, noticing if it needs more or less of something, or something new, or some support and guidance from someone else. Self-love is also celebrating the wonder and mystery of the garden that you are, and the beautiful things that grow there.

My garden might have different needs than your garden, given the different soil, climate, and the history of the seeds and plants growing there. That’s why beyond basics such as adequate safety/security, sleep, nutrition, and connection, there is no one-size-fits all approach to self-care, which is one form of self-love in action. The ongoing loving intention towards self is how I stay open and curious about what I might be needing, knowing this will change over time and in different situations. There have been and will be times when all I can do to get through a stressful day and collapse into bed. Other time what is needed is to be more disciplined with my morning yoga, or to challenge myself to get out of my social comfort zone. There have been and will be other times when what is needed is to splurge what time or money I can on doing something purely for fun and adventure. Beyond solid self-care, there is the equally important and worthy goal of creating more joy in the world by allowing myself to experience more joy. Otherwise, as a therapist and life coach, it would be like selling a product I don’t actually use and can’t really endorse. The work is to stay attuned to my needs, and allow myself to prioritize them as best I can, whatever they are. And to be kind with myself when that doesn’t play out “perfectly”.

When my self-love garden is flourishing, I might really get into sharing my harvest with others, and helping others tend their gardens when they need it, and that’s a beautiful thing. But ultimately if I don’t continue tending to my own garden well enough, it, and I, will not grow and thrive, or possibly even survive. I certainly won’t be able to really help anyone else with their garden when they need it, if I haven’t learned how to take care of my own and really committed to that. In fact, I might be tempted to focus on what everyone else’s garden is needing, as a way to avoid the creeping awareness of the dying plants and choking weeds in my own. Then I might end up being less helpful to others than I imagine myself to be, because I will be out of touch with my own needs.

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Which brings me back to how self-love is actually good for others, not just myself. If I look closely and listen deeply to how I engage with myself and with the world, I notice that my stance to the outer world is often a reflection of how I am talking with and treating myself in my inner world.

Am I rushing through my thoughts and barreling over my feelings on the inside? Then I’m likely moving quickly and missing a lot of subtle but important information in my interactions with others. I also find myself losing track of physical objects such as my car keys during these times, which is a little wake-up call. Or am I avoiding noticing and naming my confusion, fears, or difficult truths on the inside? Then I’m likely to be using a lot of behavioral distraction to stay out of my head, which also means I’m less present with others in my life. (My kids are a great barometer for this, as in “Mom, get off Instagram”). Am I experiencing a lot of self-criticism, from subtle “should and shouldn’t haves” I’m telling myself, or from outright negative self-talk? Then I’m likely to find myself being less patient with my kids, with our bossy cat, or with others in general. For example, the things my kids “always” do (such as leave their shoes just outside of the shoe box) or the way our cat likes to supervise me making dinner, might seem suddenly intolerable, and I will probably find myself getting frustrated quickly, and all the patience I’ve been cultivating over time will fly instantly out the window.

On the other hand, when I feel more at peace with my inner experiences, I’m likely to be more paced and present with the outer world. Of course this works both ways, such as when the demands or injustices of the outside world seem to steal my inner equanimity. But once again, my inner world is the only place I am 100% responsible for, and self-love for me is actually about tipping the balance towards creating an inner experience that sustains me, allows me to engage with the wild and unruly outside world in a helpful way, and feels like a safe and comfortable place to come home to. This in turn allows me to be less reliant on the outside world for inner peace, and less at the mercy of the changing weather of events outside myself. Just like that shoe box at the door is a way of keeping my home a clean and comfortable place from which to engage with the world outside that door, nurturing my inner home allows me to be more prepared to engage with outside experiences.

I have also noticed that the more I recognize myself as a spiritual being, that deeper relationship is also a reflection of how I am feeling about and treating my human self. Am I being hard on myself and not allowing myself credit for how hard I’m trying? Am I pushing my body too hard to get through the day without breaks, or not doing the simple things that support me and those in my care, like journaling or walking my dog at the end of the day, or getting the household to bed on time? During those times, I find it can be harder to connect with the source of love and acceptance that I associate with my spiritual resources. And it can also feel like a huge relief when I do give myself grace and space to connect, meaning the sense of separation from that source was really affecting me. I say “sense” of separation because I believe my spiritual resources are always there, but at times I choose to separate from them, whether through busyness, a low-key feeling of unworthiness, or simply getting caught up in the day-to-day and forgetting to nurture the relationship with what nurtures me. On a larger scale, I believe that as humans, our relationship with mother earth is suffering in this same way, which in turn is causing much of our suffering, and the solution is to heal and nurture that relationship. Because we are of the earth, not actually separate. But that’s probably another article for another time. Meanwhile, I start with loving myself, and return to loving myself, and the rest follows.

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This reflection on self-love is based on what I have observed within myself as well as what I have noticed in reflections that coaching and therapy clients have shared with me over the years. Therefore I state it in the first person as a set of beliefs and self-findings that may or may not resonate with you. The work actually lies in engaging with the ideas and observing your own process with them. So whether you agree, disagree, or aren’t sure, curiosity is key and a worthy goal all in itself. I also welcome feedback of any kind, so feel free to engage with me on this topic, I would love to hear your thoughts about self-love. If you are wanting to connect more with your own self-love, I will have coaching openings in April, so schedule a free breakthrough session with me in March at https://calendly.com/healthcoachzia/breakthrough-session

I am so honored to be on this podcast talking with one of my favorite people about my favorite topic--transformational change! I'd love to hear any feedback about your own experience with the change process in the comments.

I have upcoming openings for Whole Life Coaching starting in March, so if you feel inspired by what you hear, schedule your free breakthrough session with me today!

Key Elements for Transformational Change with Zia Sichi || SET to LOVE Zia Sichi shares key elements for transformational change on Mondays episode of SET 2 LOVE. From Zia,Hi! I am Zia Sichi, and I’m a licensed psychologist and ...

November’s Invitation...to go inwards, like the winter trees

I am in love with winter trees. The stark silhouettes, some graceful,
some bold, suggesting a nuanced poem, a complicated story, a lilting
song, or perhaps ancient wisdom written in code against a cold blue
sky. I get excited every year as the leaves start to drop, knowing
that soon I will see the hidden branches underneath, wondering what
stories they will reveal. This year as the leaves, those outward signs
of vitality, began to fall to the ground, I began to wonder, where
does life live inside a winter tree? And because I am not a scientist
of plants, only of people, I had to look it up.

Turns out that broadleaf, deciduous trees drop their leaves in fall to conserve water. They begin to enter a dormant state in preparation for winter, similar to hibernation in animals, Through complicated cellular mechanisms including sugar concentration, living cells within the insulation of the bark harden and begin to become glasslike in a sort of suspended animation, while other cells are allowed to die. This prevents the crucial cells from freezing,

For humans as well, winter can be a time to intentionally take our life force inward, to both protect and nurture it in ways that are impossible when so much of our life force energy is going outwards. A time to let some things fall away, while focusing on processes that will sweeten our inner world and keep it safe until it is time to emerge when the season changes again. This might look like spending time learning or doing something you “never have time for” otherwise, making your indoor spaces cozy and inviting, contemplating values and priorities, making plans for next year that will align with those values, or simply allowing yourself to sit in silence, a mental “suspended animation” in which some of the best ideas can emerge.

For me, this is looking like precious time spent on the couch, with a blanket, tea, lit candles, a book or journal, or sometimes just looking out the window at the winter trees, wondering what they are dreaming.

My invitation to you is to imagine what your “going inward” might look like. There is no right or wrong way to do it! In fact, one thing humans can do to help prepare for cold weather is to spend some time out in the elements, so your body knows it is time to adjust. A brisk walk in the cold makes that cozy couch or fireplace all the more cozy. And of course, it is important to stay active enough throughout the colder, wetter months. But maybe it is a time to be gentle with ourselves and with our expectations for ourselves. A time to do what feels right for our mammal systems, to find the treasures of the moment, without expecting ourselves to be like machines, unaffected by the seasons.

So here’s to the wisdom of the trees, the gifts of the season, and to your health and wellbeing.

I would love to hear ways in which you embrace the season.