Carol Does Hair at Harmony Salon & Spa

1st slide 24 vs 34 10 year difference.
2nd slide 33 vs 34 1 year difference.

Both of them represent change. Change I had control of and change I did not have control of.

My last year’s birthday I called it my “lucky” 33. I knew it would be my lucky year but it all depends on who you’re asking. Being lucky for some could look like receiving a lump sum of money, a job, becoming a parent, or buying a house but for me it was the year I took control of my life. It was the year I ended up saving my self..I saved myself from my negative mindset, this mindset almost killed me. Literally..I was suicidal without anyone knowing.

I allowed my drinking to control me. I also created chaos, tried running away from my demons (instead of facing them) and I pretended I was completely fine when I was living in my own version of hell.

33 was my growing up year. It was the year I heard myself say out loud “i do not know who I am and I am scared. I think I need help”. I started seeking help, joined multiple groups, changed who I was hanging out with, and started trying new things.

These new things included facing my fears, saying no more, meeting new people, and making myself my number one priority.

I use to be scared of growing up and getting older. I use to think that after a certain “age” I had to tone things down, be concerned of what I’m wearing, and what came out of my mouth. Yes I’m trying to be better at balancing things out but I will no longer apologize for who I am, what I am doing, and how others perceive me. It is not my responsibility how others see me or what they think of me.

It’s my responsibility to take care of myself. I love who I am becoming and I refuse to go back. I lost her a few times. More times than I would like to admit but at the same time I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to fully be aware and awake but today I promise myself I am never going back.

Happy birthday to me. 🎂🎉🥳🎈What a beautiful blessing 🙏🥰Cheers to 34. Cheers to life. And lastly cheers for redemption. Redemption has saved my life and this my friends is the self love journey. 💕

2021 was eye 👁 opening for me. It was the year I decided to put on my big girl thong on and hold myself accountable. It was the year I decided enough was enough because I was tired of my own bu****it.

2021 here are some amazing things that happened:

✨trauma therapy
✨celebrate recovery
✨church
✨met new people
✨stepped outside of my comfort zone
✨made my relationships stronger

On top of those things I made some huge realizations for myself. One of those things include how I held onto too many things, tried chasing too many things and while that was all happening I was running away from what really mattered, myself. I ignored my own wants and needs by replacing them with titles. I thought being a business owner was who I really was. I also was obsessing over being the best wife/best friend by pressuring my own self into thinking I had to be a certain way. I told myself no emotions, no this, no that, and keep calm. Who was I kidding? I’m not a robot for effing sake. I’m a energetic human being full of trauma, struggles, emotions, and all the other things that we ALL are made of. So where did I get this idea from?

The idea came from my childhood past, overall society, and consuming information that DID NOT fit who I am as a person. The world had turned dark while I was forcing myself to hide from my own inner darkness. My inner darkness started at a very young age and I had tried so hard avoiding it. It finally caught up to me and I could not handle it anymore. 2021 was my year of a major breakdown. A breakdown that showed me my truth. The truth that slowly set me free.

My truth is this I am not those things that certain people told me when I was little. I am not the domestic violence I witnessed or responsible for other people’s happiness. I am also not the sexual assault that had happened to me when I was little. I am also not responsible for my mother’s death or for the fact that she had a difficult time finding her own self worth and self love.

Caption continued in comments..

Hi my name is Carol and I love turtles.

T U R T L E 🐢C O V E

Coming very soon 🥰 12/27/2021 🐢

I can’t talk right now I’m doing
✨H E A L I N G✨ girl s**t.

“I am afraid of going to therapy because what If I lose the people I love that are in my life currently?”

Those exact words came out of my own mouth. I remember sitting in front of my soup and sandwich at Wildflower saying this out loud. I had tears in my eyes and I was feeling so lost and confused. My entire body was hurting, my chest was heavy, and my entire soul felt as if I could no longer reach it.

I was dead in the inside. People assumed I was a happy go lucky person. People assumed I had it all together but little did they know I had no clue as to who or what I wanted. I was playing a game with myself. I was lying behind titles, my job, my business, my addictions, and how society told me I “had” to be.

Fast forward to the now & my relationships with the people I thought I would lose actually became closer. I was able to have conversations with them on a deeper level. I was able to actually feel 💕 L O V E 💕

For forever I was denying love. I did not think I was worthy of it. I didn’t think I deserved anything good. I could not receive anything because I would not allow it. I self sabotaged every good thing that came my way.

Going back to what I had said earlier, “I am afraid of going to therapy because what If I lose the people I love that are in my life currently?” I saw a vision for my life. This vision showed me the outcome and consequences of me not opening up to receiving any help. I saw myself losing those that I loved if I did not make that choice of going to therapy. I also saw myself denying my very own existence to the point of denying my loved ones existence. If I could not find my self worth, love myself, or even face my demons then I know for a fact I would have lost them.

Here they are today supporting & loving this current version of me. And that says a lot about them. Not only have I gotten closer to myself & with them, I have also reconnected with others who are likeminded and new connections with individuals who have different perspectives than my own. Healing is hard but you can’t do it alone. And you are NOT alone. And this my friends is the self love journey.

Yesterday was the day my mom had passed away from breast cancer 19 years ago. She was only 39 years old a few months shy from her 40th birthday which is in January.

This was the first anniversary where I did not binge drink for the entire week, black out the night before or even on the actual day. It was the first time I actually woke up feeling a little more at peace with her not physically being here.

I also felt a little more at peace knowing that I am coming close to her age when I last saw her face, touched her, held her, kissed her, etc.

Of course I cried today as my feelings are completely valid. I don’t think we ever will stop missing our loved ones. There will always be that part where we wish we could sit with them and talk.

I have recently felt my mom’s presence more than I have ever felt in a long time. I hear her through other people, songs, animals, the goosebumps I have received whenever I talk about her, and I feel her so much inside of myself.

I had blocked those parts off a long time ago. I was a 14 year old kid who had other trauma going on behind the scenes and then some afterwards. I did not feel safe. I had lost all trust in others when I needed help. The person who lifted me up was me, myself, and I.

And for that I thank myself one hundred percent. 💯💯💪💗 Was I mean, angry, controlling, resentful and manipulative…oh f**k yes I was. Was it right?! Heck no. But I was a hurt child. I was a scared child. I was not seen, heard, or a loved child.

And now I believe in second chances. I also believe in redemption. I am living that right now. My personal sufferings and struggles are who I am. I am proud of them. I choose to be stronger. I choose to light a fire under my own ass so I can keep fighting.

I choose me. And I will choose me every time because I was the ONLY and will always be the only person who picks herself up when s**t gets ugly and tough. I have done it multiple times and I’ll do it again.

Caption continued in comments..👇

Growing up is so overrated but self love isn’t 💕 Forever blessed I decided to choose myself over my own inner demons.🙏💪

Today I woke up feeling so blessed. I had two hard days this week but I fully understood the power of trusting, surrender, and being present in the now would help receive my answers. It has not failed me thus far. Despite my failures or despite feeling overly stressed I knew this too shall pass and it did.

I am very spiritual but I also believe everything ties together, I call my faith the universe, the higher source, as well as God. I never knew I would become this individual who would be going to celebration recovery at a church but it has been on a serious note, “A God send”.

I had Angels come to me multiple times and I kept shutting them down. I had evil in front of me trying to manipulate and take me for granted but I also was doing that to myself. I take full responsibility for the things that have happened to me thus far but I also believe I too was a Angel to certain individuals. And maybe they never knew it or rejected the lessons I’ve carrried but at the same time it wasn’t my purpose to fix or change people, places, and situations.

In the words of Tony Robbins, “Life doesn't happen to you, it happens for you.” This is such a powerful statement. I have heard it plenty of times but shrugged my shoulders and laughed. But it couldn’t be any truer. My hardships have truly been a blessing in disguise even when I thought I was being taken down and beaten with a ugly stick I still rose from the ashes. I knew in my heart even though times made me think I wanted to end my life I kept going. And I will keep going for those in this world that need healers. I will keep fighting the good fight.

And this my friend…is the self love journey. 💕